The lucrative business of foster care

I have heard the sentiment from lots of different people that some people only foster because of the money. They always make sure to tell me that they know that's not why we foster, but that some people will only do it to make money. You know, that's like saying, "well there are lots of great teachers, but some of them just want to sleep with their students." Sure in anything in life there are going to be people who make headlines because they are complete idiots, but it would be really nice if the rest of the world could realize that these people made headlines because they are not the norm. I have a few thoughts on this:

~ If foster care were such a lucrative business more people would be doing it. Seriously every agency is starving for foster parents because there is no line outside the door to take in some of the world's most difficult children. And in America we like our money, so where are the lines???

~ If I got a full time, minimum wage job I would make MORE money and I would only have to work 20% of the time I do as a foster parent. Let's see, full time work is usually 40 hours per week but as a foster parent I work about 168 hours a week (that's all the hours in a week just to be clear).

I read a post on my support group that a foster parent had posted in an online garage sale group about needing a couple beds and wanting to know if anyone had some to sell. The people on the group tore this woman apart for wanting to buy used beds when she gets paid to be a foster parent. Isn't that just horrible?!? That's what got me thinking about all the times I've heard similar things. To be clear, that money is payment for child care from the state for taking care of a child that ISN'T YOURS. If someone ran an in home daycare (again they would work way less hours than a foster parent and get paid more no doubt) no one would ever deride them for how they chose to spend their money. But I see this as an opportunity to inform. No one's getting rich or making their lives any easier by becoming foster parents!

Thanksgiving

I took a lot more pictures at thanksgiving, but the rest contain J!

We put our tree up this weekend too and the kids had so much fun putting ornaments on the tree. It may have given me a heart attack, but I tried to calm down enough to have fun while they were running with my glass ornaments:)

Snow day

Well I'm not excited that our first snow day was in NOVEMBER, but the kids sure had fun:)

 



 

 

 

The system

Have I shared that video on here before? I can't remember. I think I first saw it about a year ago and I still remember it clearly. It is very well made and you get to see life through the eyes of an abused child working her way through the foster system.

On that note, I thought I would write a little bit about "the system". Who knew this would be one of the most difficult parts of fostering (besides experienced foster parents I guess!)? I am part of an online support group for foster parents, which in general is extremely helpful, but I keep seeing people call it a "broken" system. Can children's services continue to improve? For sure. But I just have trouble calling the system broken. The thing that is broken is our world. Why do we even need a whole division of government to protect children?!? Because parents are broken and they mostly neglect and sometimes even harm their own children.

When you are taking something that is broken and trying to put it back together again it's a messy process. It's an extremely difficult process. It's not like when my kids break something. In that case I just need to find all the pieces and glue them back together. These are peoples lives that are shattering. How can I make J un-experience something? I can't. So I just have to take what I know and work with it and hopefully establish normality for him. I can say, "hey kid look, this is how a normal family is supposed to function. This is what it looks like to have boundaries. This is what it looks like to have a mommy who is always around and will always come and get you from your crib!"

And I'm not even sure I have the hardest job in this mess. Sometimes I wonder if judges do. How can you make the sort of decisions they have to make? Or social workers. In that video when the worker goes to take the baby from his sister and she screams for her baby brother...can you imagine what is going on inside a worker when they are in situations like that? When he removes every aspect of what a child considered normal for most of her life?

Clearly the ones most affected and influenced by everything is the children. And that is who we should be focusing on always. I've had multiple people tell me they couldn't foster because they just couldn't handle it emotionally. The problem there is the focus: yourself. Yes, it hurts to foster and yes (I'm sure) it hurts to see children leave, but the beauty of this whole thing is that it's not about me! God can heal a broken heart: mine, J's, his parents, etc. He can even heal this broken world:) So that is where I place my trust.

"Look up, the clouds are breaking, The storm will soon be o'er
And thou shall reach the haven, Where sorrows are no more
Look up, be not discouraged; Trust on, whate'er befall
Remember, O remember, Thy Savior knows it all" 

 

Because we don't have enough testosterone in this house...

Yes, I'm proudly displaying my kids' parts already:) This is the first pregnancy where we have found out the gender and I have to say I like it! I enjoyed not knowing in the past, but it is also fun to know. Like a secret somehow! I also have a quotable for this post:

Ian: how do you know it's a boy?

Ultrasound tech: because of the penis

Me (to Ian): are you serious?

Ian: I mean how can you see that?

(Ultrasound tech pans back to the between the legs shot)

Ian: oh, DANG! He's huge!

Our little man looks incredibly healthy and we are SO thankful that God has provided in this way. I've been feeling him move around like crazy for a couple weeks now and I've never been more grateful for these little nudges. It's easy to grow tired of them near the end of pregnancy, but this time around I haven't had much time to sit around and think about this person growing inside me. We've been so wrapped up in the world of fostering and school and church and family things that it's nice to sit down during my hour of time to myself each day and wait for those little kicks to start and thank God for creating.

Halloween

Once again it was COLD for Halloween. Somehow the kids don't seem to mind...it's like the thought of candy just erases anything else. 

 

Love this pic of Thomas:) You can see J in his ninja costume in the background. I wish I could post a picture of him because he LOVED dressing up. He wore a huge smile all night and just wanted to get down and run with the big kids.

Quotable

Me: if we have a boy baby what should we name him?

Noah: bygosta! (Giggles)

Me: where did you guys even get that name?? (It is also the name of one of their teddy bears)

Noah: we just thought of it!

Me: Mary what do you think?

Mary: Olaf (no giggles, dead serious)

Me: ok and what if she's a girl?

Mary: Elsa!

Noah: Olaf 

No help here

Quotable

Me: Noah you still didn't put your cup away. Please do that now.

Noah: Can you do it? I'm too busy being super baby who loves to clean! 

I'm not sure how to argue with that... He was wearing a baby bib and running around dusting things.

A collision

from French Press Mornings:)

I'm starting to understand why people who do foster care don't last long with blogging. A friend of mine recently sent me a post from another blogger about how, more than any of the common fears people express about foster care, his greatest fear would be in NOT caring for these kids. Foster care has had a huge impact on his family with young kids and he says it's been for the better. Our experience has been very similar. It has been HARD and it has changed us and is continuing to change us, but I think we are all better because of J being here. You can read his full post here.

One quote that I felt connected with most from that post was, "Foster care is nothing if it's not the collision of two worlds - one of relative ease and comfort is systematically destroyed while one of extreme brokenness and loss is beautifully restored." Yes! So true! We have seen J become a different person then who he was when he came to us. But at the same time our life of (relative) ease got hit by a mack truck the day he came. We now have less time to focus on being a cute little happy family and more time to focus on tantrums, screaming and food being thrown across the dining room. Sometimes Mary looks at me and has to remind me, "mommy, he's still learning huh?"

It's hard not to get sucked into his anger sometimes, because he can become VERY angry. We pray over him against any evil that may be influencing his life or that influenced him in the past. It can also be very hard not to get sucked into the complicated and drama filled world of foster care. This week alone we have 5 different meetings and/or appointments that involve J. That's more than normal but still...it's not that much more. And the drama that surrounds his parents is a whole other story. I just try to focus on caring for him despite the fact that I have so many questions that might never get answered.

Please continue to pray for us. I always need to remember that we are only three months in! And he has made significant strides in that time! But it takes much longer for me to bond with a child and for them to be really integrated into the family.

Niederman Farm

Need a new fall family tradition?!? You should go to Niederman Farm. It can be pricey but you would be supporting a great family farm and your family will have a BLAST!

 

This next picture was from 4 years ago!

 

So I made him stand by the sign for another pic to compare:)

Soccer

 Well I can't say that Noah loves soccer. Usually once each game he says he doesn't like soccer...BUT we told him we want him to give it a try. He never wants to do anything he doesn't think he will be good at so we wanted to challenge him to give this a try and maybe he would like it. Well I don't think he's changed his mind about it, but I do think it has helped his character. We emphasize before each game and practice that we want him to TRY. He doesn't need to be awesome, just try. And we have really seen a lot of improvement in his effort!

 Mary is her typical self: doesn't do much but pick grass, but still says she likes soccer:)

Mary's 6 year pictures!

 

Love this sweet girl! I literally thank God for her everyday because she is so thoughtful and helpful. Sometimes she'll think of things for the boys before I do and she'll take care of it. It's unbelievable.

 She loves her family, doing crafts, playing on the iPad, running and being "crazy," and reading books. She mildly likes soccer but I think her interest is getting less and less as this season goes on...

Such a blessing:)

Quotable

Noah: mommy I thought you said grandma was coming!

Me: she will be here in 14 minutes

Mary: so I need to count to a hundred and she will be here?

Me: um no (grab calculator) you need to count to 840

Mary: oh ok! 1...2...3...

She's up to 87, let's see how long she lasts

How God is so good to us

J's big happy smile

People don't really understand big families in America. Many worry about finances with lots of kids. They think they can't handle it because kids are too difficult. They think you can't possibly give enough attention to more than 2 kids, etc. I'm not going to address each of these concerns except to say that God calls children a reward, a heritage, a value to society, and he is bigger than any concern someone may have. If it is his plan for us to add to our family we will do it and trust that he is faithful. Now, I'm not saying that it is ALWAYS his plan for us to add...but when it is we want to trust him.

With that said...there will be another Lubbers joining the family in March! We are very excited for this little addition, but it was definitely a hard mental transition. We found out I am pregnant the day before we got J so it was a lot to absorb in 24 hours. It took a long time for that to sink in and I think it wasn't until I heard a heart beat that I really believed it!

Sometimes I think about how life is so hard right now and it's going to be even harder when we have a newborn. But I immediately remind myself that just because something is hard doesn't mean I shouldn't do it! In our culture we want things to come easy, we want to be happy, and we don't want to do anything that might make us sacrifice. I find that thought line creeping in every now and then and I have to remind myself of the truth found in scripture. Lately I've been returning over and over again to the very popular verses in Lamentations 3. The author is remembering the difficulties he has encountered in his life and then his writing shifts:

But this I call to mind,
    and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

This is what I say to my soul lately when I start to "claim my rights" to an easy life. God is my portion, great is his faithfulness:)

Ephesians 6:12

image from faithgateway.com

This verse has been the theme of my life lately. When I typed it into google images a million images came up, but I feel like this one just paints a thousand words over my life right now. I'm trying to get over my frustration with not knowing anything about what's going on with J's case and the fact that no one is getting back to me. Honestly right now I'm not pro-union or pro-administration I am just pro-my workers coming back because they got things done! My struggle is not against flesh and blood...

Mostly I've been reminding myself of this verse with J. I keep thinking if I can just get him to quit throwing this loud, crazy tantrums things will be so much better, but that does not line up with this verse. A couple people have told me that he's changed so much since he came to us and that is so helpful for me to hear. I'm still dealing with the annoying behaviors every day, but when I think back to how he was when he came it's like night and day! He is learning so much about communication and has been signing and saying things that his tantrums are much less frequent. He is attached to us now and knows that we are the ones to take care of him whereas at first he would go to anyone and didn't know where to turn if he got hurt. And best of all...he's happy! We see his smile all day, get cuddles and hugs from him, and hear his laughter often. That was not the case for the first month or so.

So please keep praying for our hearts. That we would just take things as they come and try not to stress about not being able to get information or help his mom. God is still in control!

Noah's 4 year pictures

 My little buddy is 4! And has been for a month... we took pictures at Fairfield's touch a truck event which is so fitting for him because he LOVES trucks.

 He goes back and forth between wanting to be a fireman and a garbage man because they both get to use big trucks.

 He is so much fun and such a good brother and son. He started school with us "officially" the past week and he is doing pretty well. I decided that we needed some incentive so I pulled out 5 pieces of chocolate for each of them. Any time they complained or gave up without trying I got to eat one of their pieces of chocolate:) Let's just say after that was implemented things got done A LOT quicker. Suddenly they were able to do things that they just couldn't do the day before. It's amazing what a little chocolate with do!

We love you Noah man!

2 steps forward, 1 step back

 

No hands in that video above!!! I'm pretty pumped that J is starting to walk on his own. If you've met him you know that it is quite the task to carry him around all day!

I do feel like our time with him has been 2 steps forward, 1 step back lately though. We will have a couple really good days and then a couple really horrible days. Overall we are seeing improvement in his obedience which is SOOOO helpful when I've got 3 other kids under 6 running around too. But then he will have a day that is one long tantrum that never ends. And I'm not over exaggerating. On those days we usually get about an hour of calm time out of him, but the rest is screaming.

And that is how I talk people out of fostering:) I joked with Ian the other day that no one we know is going to want to foster now because we are way too honest with how it's going. I can say that despite how hard it's been we can (and will) do it again. We are doing this because we love kids. Not fake gooey love that you can "fall" in and out of. But the love that is choice and obedience and sacrifice and sometimes feelings too.

Before all the workers went on strike, which you can read about here, we had a really good meeting with J's worker.  She said there is one family member interested in getting custody of him until his mom can get him back. But that family member is VERY young and has two kids of her own...so who knows if that home study will be approved. And with the strike who really knows how long it will take to get a home study completed anyway. So we are planning to have him for at least 2 more months if not another year. His mom has made no progress toward getting him back, but we have met her and we both really believe that she cares deeply for her kids. She lights up when she sees them. I hope and pray she can get things together.

On a side note: I wrote a letter to the editor of Journal News in Hamilton about the strike and I got a call that it will be printed. Unfortunately we don't get that newspaper! So if anyone out there gets it and sees my letter I'd love to have a copy! It will probably just say Megan from Fairfield.

The thing that prepared us most

Many people have questions for us about fostering. For most of our close friend and family circles we are the first to foster so it is an interesting concept for many people. I love the questions! I pray people will keep them coming 1. because it gives an outlet for all the thoughts and emotions boiling up in me to spill out and 2. because i hope it generates interest in orphans and children in need.

In any event, one thing I keep telling people about is what prepared me most for fostering. It wasn't classes, asking the social workers questions or completing the home study. Although to varying degrees those things were helpful. The most helpful thing by far is reading stories of people who have been there. I NEED to know what it is really going to be like in the trenches. And I can't tell you how many times I've already said to a worker, "but in class they said ______ was the procedure for _____ situation," and the worker will say, "oh well we can file an extension," or, "I'll just suggest something else." You can do that??? I guess so.

Reading the stories of others, mostly in blog form, was so helpful because when things like that happen I find myself not completely surprised by it. Or when our worker calls with new details the day of a court date I can just sigh and shrug and think, 'well this is the system I signed up for.' Because I've already read how OFTEN things don't go the way they should or the way the system is supposed to function.

Today I read this post and I so appreciate it because I feel like emotionally I'm holding J at arms length. I find myself mentally pointing out all his flaws because I don't want to like him too much. I'm not saying this is a great way to do things...I'm just saying it's what I've been doing. But that makes it really difficult to choose to love him and that is something I HAVE to do. It's a struggle.

If you are interested, here are a couple of my favorite blogs I've come across:
Instant Mama
Filled to the brim

Getting through it

So the past two weeks have been hard. Mostly because we are transitioning and change is just hard. Overall J is doing great. He sleeps and eats well, he's already learned a couple signs and he is definitely responding to the boundaries we put in place, but that response is slow.

There are a few things that are really helping me during this time. One is the AMAZING support of our church and family. So many people want to meet baby J and hold him and play with him. It is such a help when I've spent the whole day telling him to STOP shrieking at the top of his lungs and I want to pull my ears out. This would be a great thing to pray for; the shrieking really gets under my skin. Pray I can remember that he is valuable because God made him, not for anything he has to offer us.

 Another support is holding to the truths I feel God has strongly put on my heart lately:

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts. ~ Isaiah 55:9

No matter what I think is best for J, God KNOWS what is best and his plan wont fail. I wrote down a few other verses one morning last week when I had some time to myself and it is so nice to look back at them on hard days.

And finally, right before we got J we downloaded this album from iTunes and it has been so encouraging. God's timing is perfect. One of my favorite songs says this:

How can it be, the One who died,
Has borne our sin through sacrifice
To conquer every sting of death?
Sing, sing hallelujah. 

The power that raised Him from the grave
Now works in us to powerfully save.
He frees our hearts to live His grace;
Go tell of His goodness.

He’s alive, He’s alive!
Heaven’s gates are opened wide.
He’s alive, He’s alive!
Now in heaven glorified. 

What great reminders right? My kids are probably tired of these songs because we listen to them often. It's very grounding to have this on throughout the day. I wish I could post pictures of him because his smile would brighten your day! He has started to really warm up to us so we get to see his smiles often.

 

 

Day 2

Well we survived the first two days of having baby j in our home! I feel accomplished just having survived. This is no time for thriving. It has been such an emotional roller coaster for me and so busy! He came yesterday around 10 and we spoke with his social worker for a while, then she left. Multiple people stopped by, some people brought food and others just wanted to meet him! Then today started with a doctor's appointment, came home to meet with his worker again, then our worker came to visit since we hadn't met him yet and he has to come within 7 days of a placement. Then I headed out to the store to buy J some clothes with the voucher they gave me. Thankfully it was to target so I got him some seriously cute clothes:) Since he is in the same size as Thomas, we need to increase our 2T stash!

Then I came home and it was already 4 o'clock. I try to remind myself that every parent has days (and sometimes weeks on end) where, at the end of the day, you just want to drop into bed and sleep for 10 hours and pray the next day is better. I really think it's just the change and busyness that has been the hardest for me. He really has been doing pretty well so far. Probably the only positive thing about him being left in his crib for hours on end before social services stepped in is that he sleeps pretty well so far! 

It took him longest to fall asleep tonight for bed. Before then it had only taken him 2-3 minutes to fall asleep but tonight he was just wailing. I went in a few times and held him until he stopped crying. Well he stopped crying immediately when I picked him up but I held him until he calmed down. Finally he got really close to sleep and when I laid him down that time he went to sleep easily. I cried a few tears as I held him. What has he been through? Will he go home and have to experience those things again? Will he become attached to us only to be ripped away again? He is innocent in all this and while I want his mom to get better, I never want him to have to experience being torn from those he knows as family again. 

I really appreciate everyone praying for us. Specific requests would be for us to now how to deal with his temper and screaming (which makes me want to rip my own ears off). And for peace and a long term vision in our hearts for baby j.

Our first call

We got a call today from children's services. There is a 13 month old boy (baby J) who needs a place to stay. He's been neglected and is for sure behind for his age, but beyond that no health issues. There's a little info about his mom, nothing about dad. Do we want him? Absolutely we do:)

Since I got that call I've been equal parts nervous and excited. I cried a little bit thinking about what this means and what a big change this will be...in less than 24 hours! Ian was so sure and confident when we talked to the worker, it made me feel confident! But later, when the kids are in bed and it's quiet and I have time to think the nervousness sets back in. We got the monitor in the mail for the baby's room today so I was trying to set it up (and getting really frustrated) and I was thinking about how I want to clean the room and put new sheets on the crib for baby J and get out some outfits and have everything just PERFECT! Well if you've been a mom for more than, oh I don't know 3 seconds, you know that things just don't always go perfectly.

So I took a break from the monitor to head outside and look at my plants. For some reason, even though my garden is not turning out great (more on that later) it is soothing. And I saw this beautiful sky and heard the crickets chirping and thought I should go to my spot with God and sit for a bit. So I came here to the front porch and looked out over the sky and saw what you see in the picture above and I'm reminded that God has baby J. What he needs most is someone to hug and cuddle him and tell him about the One who made him and loves him. I can do that! Especially the cuddles part. I hope he's a cuddler. I guess if not I always have Thomas!

Anyway, we will find out tomorrow morning if he is for sure coming and when. How long will he be with us? What's the plan? Will there be long term consequences of his neglect? I don't know! If the court decides he needs to come into care for sure he will be here tomorrow. God knows the plan and we will trust him. For now...I'm heading back to tackle that monitor!

Gymnastics class

Baby girl took a gymnastics class:) When she was two I used to get so nervous because she would hide behind me if anyone looked at her. Especially since I knew we would homeschool I got self conscious about that because I didn't want people to think she was strange. 

It was a real growing experience for myself not to put that pressure on her. I remind myself that no matter what others think we are doing what God wants our family to be doing and I love Mary for who she is. 

As it turns out that concern isn't even valid anymore because she is very brave and pretty friendly. I almost cried today (because having kids has turned me into a sap) when I brought her to gymnastics camp in a place she's never been before and she headed right out on to the floor when her group was called. She turned for a second and said, "where will you be?" It takes a lot of courage to walk into a new place where you don't know anyone and hop right in. But she did great and I'm so proud of her:)

Quotable: Mary edition

A quick stop at the grocery store-
Mary: Mommy, why are there SO many more things in the cart than we have on our list?
Me: ...busted

After Mary wrote a card to our sponsored child who lives in Africa -
Mary: Mommy how will it get to him?
Me: the mail man will take it
Mary: How? Do they use an airplane? (voice gets really low) or does the mail truck turn into an airplane? Can they do that??
Too much watching Little Einstein's!

Vacation

We got back from vacation about a week ago. We visited family in cocoa beach and Atlanta. Our relatives live in some pretty nice locations:)

Ian thought if we left at 4 AM the kids would go back to sleep. It worked 2/3s of the time:)

First day there these two were up at 6:30 and wanted to go see the manatees:) they adjusted at least a little and started waking up at 7 for most of vacation. So much excitement! 

They turned into little fishies by the end of our trip. We had so much and just relaxing and playing together as a family.

We kept my cousins kids one day and went to the park. My kids had a blast because the slides were SO HIGH at this park!

While we were there we also got the update that we are licensed to foster and could hear from them anytime! I will update here and on Facebook when we get a placement please pray for the baby that will be placed with us and pray God will prepare our hearts.

2 year pictures

 I just love this guy!