Look who's 1 month old!

Andrew's Birth

Sweet Andrew is one week old! Because he has barely left my chest I haven't had much time to write down his birth story. Can you tell I'm a little nostalgic that this might be my last baby? Anyway, this is my first pregnancy that went beyond my "due" date. This was not an experience I ever expected to have! I had to do a lot of reminding myself of the truth: God determines our days and no one has ever stayed pregnant forever! This came in the face of a lot of comments like, "maybe there is something wrong this time around? Maybe you're just too stressed to go into labor? Etc." All those comments made me feel like something was wrong with me and therefore I had to do something to make labor start! Then I would make my mind circle back around to the truth.

 

March 26 was one of my, "I'm never going to go into labor," days. I was kind of crampy off and on all day and Ian stayed home from work because I woke up crying early that morning because I was so anxious for labor to start! Not one of my finer moments. That evening at dinner I had what felt like my first significant contraction that seemed different from the general crampiness. When I told Ian he immediately jumped up, "How far apart are they? Do you think this is it?" Well, I'd had one contraction, not much else to report. I went up to our room to be alone and watch some episodes of Friends. It's kind of my labor tradition. Sure enough contractions started to come on regularly at that point.

I called Ian (on my phone. from upstairs) and told him I thought I was in labor and maybe we should have our friend Dee come help put the kids to bed and alert others who needed to know. That was the plan, but of COURSE Thomas needed mommy to put him down so I put him to bed and resumed focus on contractions as they were getting more intense. Ian sat with me and Dee helped where she could around the house and getting things ready.

I felt very clear headed between contractions but knew that they were starting to mean business so we decided to head on over to the hospital. We got Mary up and put her in the van with us and left the house around 10 PM that evening. I really became focused at that point and retain only snippets of what happened from then on. I remember walking into the building and seeing Liz arrive with the rest of us. I remember the receptionist and triage nurse asking a TON of questions. All I wanted to do was get in the shower. Nothing else mattered at that point. So as soon as Liz asked if there was a shower available and the nurse said yes I shot up out of the bed and started walking out of triage.

The nurse was a little surprised by this...but I was committed to that shower! I remember Liz trying to get the shower on then spraying my belly. The nurses were adamant about monitoring me to get their beloved strip even though I had just been monitored in triage and he looked great. I was "only" 5 centimeters when they checked me 10 minutes prior. This is one of those annoying things about hospital birth. I remind myself now that this is what we signed up for: nurses being more concerned with protocol than the actual laboring woman. Eventually they pried me away from the shower (not really, I went willingly but begrudgingly). They kept talking about their monitors and the IV and I was looking at Ian and Liz telling them without a doubt in my mind that I could NOT do this, I WASN'T doing this, this is NOT happening, I NEEDED an epidural because I just couldn't do this!

 

As I was saying those things I was also pushing. I laid down on my side needing to feel grounded and felt a head coming down! I couldn't believe it, but also couldn't believe that my body would do what felt impossible to me. I kept up my chant and Ian and Liz matched it with an equal and opposite, "You ARE doing this! He IS coming out!" I had my hand on his head as his water broke and I pushed a couple more times. I think I closed my eyes at this point because I can remember what his water breaking and head felt like, but do not have any mental images of that time.

I remember the feeling of his head coming out and thinking, 'I know there will be relief when his head comes out!' But there wasn't as much relief as I remembered and it took a couple pushes more to get his long body out! And then I was done. There is that magical moment when you've just done something impossible and you've come through and you. are. done. I remember looking up at one point as I was pushing and Ian and Liz were right there with me, but there were 5-6 nurses/doctors (who knows? None of them were my doctor...who didn't make it) huddled at the end of the bed. I remember one of them saying at one point, "give a little push". But other than that I don't really know what all the fuss was about.

Back to that moment...all I cared about was this warm little squiggly guy on my belly. My doctor walked in at some point, looked to see if there was any tear (there wasn't), then headed out to two other deliveries, and about 10 minutes after he was born it was just us in the room left to ourselves.

 

 I think my body was in too much shock from the speed of everything. I was shaking and chatty. He was born at 11:34 PM. About an hour after walking through the hospital doors and about 45 minutes from being told I was only 5 centimeters. Goes to show what dilation tells you about timing in labor! At some point now I realized that Mary was not in the room with us. Around 37 weeks of pregnancy my doctor told me he no longer deliver at the hospital where my other children were born, a hospital that I've really liked. So I would need to switch to this other hospital which I was really anxious about. I've worked in this hospital many times and I know how dedicated they are to their NUMEROUS policies. They are much more regulated and inflexible than the hospital I preferred and one of those regulations was that any child coming into the hospital had to have a flu shot. Well we don't get our children flu shots and I wasn't about to change something like that just to conform to hospital standards.

 

So Mary did not get to see her brother come into the world but this hasn't seemed to bother her a ton. We snuck her into the room later and she had all the time she wanted to meet and cuddle with Andrew. His birth was beautiful, the hospital stay was NOT! But I'm going to focus on the wonderful parts of him being here and know that if (big fat if) we ever have another baby it will be born at home where his or her health and well being are the top priority and not conforming to the herd standard the hospital creates. OK I'm jumping off the soap box.

 

 

Andrew is here!!! At some point we will post about how we decided on his full name, but for now all 8 pounds 1 ounce and 21 inches of this beautiful boy are here with the rest of the Lubbers clan. One more reason that we are buried in blessings!



Quotable: baby edition

Me: Noah I think he really likes sitting with you.

Noah: he just likes my Olaf shirt

Noah (to thomas): see how Mary knows how to calm him (Andrew) down? Girls are good at that.

Mary: yeah that's why girls grow babies, they know how to grow babies and how to calm them down too!

The barer of rings!

We had SUCH a fun time at a wedding last weekend. Noah did a great job as the ring bearer and Ian officiated so it was a much anticipated event for our family. We did bribe Noah with a sucker and a new lego car for doing a good job walking slowly down the aisle with a smile on his face, because there is always room for a well timed bribe!

 

 

Sucker time...Smile of victory!

Thoughts that help me

When I'm sitting around thinking about the heartbreak and difficulties of Foster care, you know...trying to make myself feel better about the injustices of life, a couple thoughts help me:

First, if I didn't endure these things for and with J SOMEONE would have to. Someone has to love these kids. Someone has to take the hits for them, shelter them, teach them what it means to have someone really love them all at the greatest risk to self when you consider losing them. Our family is no more equipped to do this than most people but we chose to say yes. When we look at the gospel we see God looking at orphans and saying YES! I will choose you and I will make you my children even at great cost to myself. That is the good news. If you claim Jesus as lord there is no other answer when you look at an orphan besides yes! Now I'm not saying everyone needs to get up and adopt or foster a kid, but many more need to and many more need to at least do something for these kids. People think I'm kidding when I tell them J's mom is pregnant so a baby may need a home in a couple months, insinuating that home should be theirs. People just laugh it off mostly, but I'm not kidding. If not you then who?

Second, powerlessness can bring so much freedom. It reminds me of Jesus' words in Luke 12:

"And he said to his disciples, 'Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on...which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?'" 

We have no power over our life span. Only God has the power of life and death. But there is a freedom in our powerlessness. A freedom from worry. I am trying to apply that to foster care. I am powerless here. Why be anxious over something I have zero control over? Is my anxiety going to change the course of events? God is bigger than this system and he has J's life in the palm of his hands.

I hope those thoughts will help some other parent out there as well!

Court

Our first time being in court was last week. It was an incredibly odd experience for me. I knew that we were only invited there to sit in the back of the room and observe, but I had no idea what to expect beyond that. Only the lawyers talk. I think I was expecting at least for the caseworker to say something but she didn't. Only the county's attorney who the case worker met with about 5 minutes before court actually spoke for the worker.

My predominant feeling was frustration. I was frustrated that there were so many people talking about "the child" (yeah, the one who calls me mommy) who have never even met him. Frustrated that his life is in their hands and they barely know his name except they read it on a piece of paper minutes before making decisions. Frustrated that his mother lied many times and no one spoke the truth. Frustrated that I am helpless to help him! 

I left feeling deflated. I, like J, am powerless in this whole thing. We did learn that a family member of his mom has a homestudy in progress now and I have so many mixed feelings. I know it won't be a healthy place for him because I have learned a decent amount about this family member, but I also came into foster care knowing that the state always thinks it's best for kids to go to family members. So this isn't a shocker, it's just that I know how difficult this will be for J. In his mind we are his family. He was so young when he came to us that he won't even remember the people he may go to live with.  He may, once again, be ripped from the only family he knows and this time it is one that is stable and loving. I wonder what that will do to him long term. He is already so scarred from the first time it happened. I just wish that he and his siblings would be seen as the only victims here and the ones who need the protection. I wish everyone involved would REALLY want what is best and most healthy for him, but that is just not the case. 

As I laid awake last night this verse came to mind and it is what I will hold onto, please pray over it with me that the people involved in this case have come by divine appointment:

"Let every person be subject to the governing authorities for there is no authority except from God, and those who exist have been instituted by God." Rom. 13:1-2

Winter blahs

Looky what I built this morning:)

It's been so long since we played trains but yesterday Ian took Noah to ikea for a daddy/son time and Noah picked a set that had that circle train turner thing. It's a welcome change of pace as winter is starting to  create some cabin fever in our house. Noah has been so excited about ikea since he found out that they sell cinnamon rolls and hot dogs so cheaply that we will actually buy them for him. And there is an indoor place to play.

In the upper left corner of the picture you can see J's little legs. The other kids built him a separate train track to play with so he doesn't break theirs. He actually sat and played for a bit! And that is about the extent of our excitement for now. Looking forward to getting outside soon to play! We also had court for J recently which I plan to share about, but I'm still processing all that I saw. No big advancements in his case...but court was for sure a new experience for us.