Directive Parenting

This is long. Don't read it if you're looking for updates on babies!

I was listening to mom's notes and she talked about how for children 2 and under a lot of our parenting comes by doing things for them. Toddlerwise calls this directive parenting. Here's an example of something that might happen throughout the day: I can say, "Mary, put down that cell phone!" Then I can wait and then repeat myself and then wait. Then get progressively louder with my instruction and wait for her to comply. Maybe I give up and just let her play with it. Maybe I get really frustrated and finally walk over and take it away from her. What is that teaching her? That she doesn't have to do things the first time I tell her. In fact she might not have to do it at all! Directive parenting would do this: say "Mary, put down that cell phone!" give her a minute to respond, then go over and do it for her and say, "Mommy said to put down the cell phone." I show her through my actions that I mean what I say.

This is a great tool in parenting because it alleviates a LOT of frustration. I know a lot of frustration throughout the day can come when she just doesn't listen to me. So I made it a rule (for myself) that I don't say things twice. I say it once, give her time to decide if she wants to comply, then do it for her. Directive parenting teaches that kids 2 and under don't have a ton of self control (anyone can tell that's the truth from being with a 1.5 year old for 5 minutes!)so we teach them how to have self control. More examples of directive parenting are: instead of saying, "Mary, it's bed time, would you like to go to bed?" I just go get her and say, "Mary it's time for night night," and put her to bed. Or I say, "Mary it's time to go bye bye, let's get your coat on" and I put it on for her and take her hand to go out the door.

Around the age of 2.5 - 3 (from my reading...obviously I have no experience parenting a 3 year old!) kids start to gain a much stronger sense of morality and the ability to comprehend things more deeply. In the book I'm currently reading (Parenting with Love and Logic) they give the wearing a coat example. The author says he told his 4 year old that he might want to wear a coat, but his 4 year old said that he'd be fine without one! At that age the dad said, "OK! Well let's go." The dad said within a couple minutes he heard chattering teeth coming from the backseat of the car, then his son said, "Next time I'm going to wear a coat!" The author points out that if he had made his child wear a coat even though he said he didn't want to he would have been warm, but would not have learned a valuable lesson about staying warm! And I also just thought about what if the dad had brought a coat for the boy to give him when he got cold. This would have taught the boy that he didn't need to deal with the consequences of his actions, that dad would bail him out.

I thought that was a good story on many levels! But mainly it points out that there is a time for mostly directive parenting and as they get older they need less and less. They can learn from reality at that point! But at this point (17 months) Mary doesn't learn well from reality. She just doesn't put things with many steps in order. She does know how to respond to certain things and knows cause and effect but it generally stops after one step. Like she knows when she throws her books from her high chair that she doesn't get them back. But she hasn't realized yet that she still has to sit in her high chair until mommy is done cleaning the kitchen and if she would have just kept the books with her she wouldn't be bored!!