Quotable

"I'm going to do school with Andrew on my lap because math is much more fun when you're holding a baby! But it might be a little wrong since he's pulling on it"

5 months

Somehow those thighs just keep getting bigger!

Please don't get any stronger! I can't have a crawler any time soon...

"Hey boys, hang out with Andrew for a minute while I put the dishes away..." Yes that is every toy that we have out for him right now! Thomas didn't want me to take a picture of him:)

T-bone steak turns 3!

I was looking through old posts and realized this one never published back in June! 

This is what I get when I ask him to smile!

Found this cake idea on Pinterest for my little man who loves trucks and dirt.

When we asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday he said go to the farm... I'm not quite sure what to do with that. So we asked if chuck e cheese would be ok. 

I think they had a pretty good time over all! Thomas is so fun. His voice sounds like a cartoon and his chatter is constant. He has asked to start learning with Mary and Noah! He is always on the move, always ready to tackle and loves to play with J who he calls his best buddy:) 

Mary turns 7!

We usually tell the kids they get to pick what we eat and do on their birthdays. This year Mary picked to have cinnamon rolls for breakfast, a friend over in the afternoon, Mac n cheese with olives and carrots for dinner, and to go play at jump and jacks after dinner. The "you get to pick" rule has generally been fine aside from some questionable meal choices. However on this particular day Mary was being a little rambunctious (can't imagine why?!? It's not like her responsible mother would let her eat 5 cinnamon rolls  for breakfast...) so I asked her to settle down some to which she replied, "I don't have to listen mom, it's my birthday! I can't get in trouble!" Mmmmmk.

Her awesome mom also didn't think about candles at all until I went to grab some to light and realized we didn't have any regular candles and no number 7.

She is always calling herself daddy's girl and makes lots of "I love daddy" cards.

Mr. Matt finally went down the slide and took Andrew with him. Andrew did NOT appreciate it!

We love these awesome kids! And we are especially thankful for that sweet girl in the middle there. She loves her baby brother Andrew and is always so helpful with him. She likes to read and color and be a leader (my mom says that's what my teachers always said about me instead of calling me bossy, so I'll carry on the tradition). Happy birthday to my princess!

Goodbye J

We took J to his new placement last week. It's hard to know where to begin in my thoughts about this so I'll just ramble through things. You've been warned!

People keep asking if we are really sad and they say how difficult this must be for us. Honestly over the past year I had become so accustomed to living under the weight of stress from having to be constantly vigilant over an angry toddler that my predominant feeling after dropping him off was relief. When there are four other young children in the house it is really a daunting task to have to provide constant supervision to one frequently unhappy little man. It was also hard to never feel like I could rest whenever we were out of the house. I could never carry on a conversation well in someone else's home because I had to know where he was and what he was doing at all times. I couldn't trust him.

So when we went over to a friend's for a cookout Saturday night and the older three kids took off to play and I handed Andrew to a friend, I got to sit and chat with another friend for a solid 20 minutes without my mind being elsewhere. When I realized that was happening I wanted to weep. It made me sad because I was rejoicing over being able to do something that I hadn't been able to do in so long, but it came at the expense of a little boy I love.

Basically I feel relieved still, and happy that I know he is with a great family who I really do believe will be able to meet his needs better than us. But I find myself in occasional pockets of sadness; like when I walked into his empty room for the first time and had to turn over his bed so Andrew can sleep there now, or when the kids ask to see him, or when we imitate how he said cookie monster. However, I also have little flashbacks of him that are not so fond; like when we went to the zoo yesterday and rode the train and a memory from a couple months ago came to mind of when he threw himself on the ground convulsing and screaming at the top of his lungs in front of a PACKED train full of people and I had to drag him to the stroller (while I had Andrew in the sling) and hold him down to strap him in as he swung at me... There's not much more humbling than that as a parent that's for sure!

I am so thankful for our time with him and I'm really not sure who changed more in the last 13 months: him or us? We do hope to foster again, but we're going to be taking a few months break at least. This is by far the hardest thing we've ever had to do so we are going to take time to recuperate and heal as a family. Please pray that J will adjust well in his new home! The next court date for his case is next week so you can pray that it will go well for him and lead toward permanency. Thanks friends!

Sweet Relief

I will let the pictures do the talking:

 

If only we could have stayed another week!

Help my unbelief

 

I am a pretty self-confident, organized and hard working person. It is easy for me to convince myself that I "have it all together"- whatever that means. I'm not saying this to toot my own horn, but just laying the ground work for what comes next. Each time we have gone through a big transition in life I've gotten to a place where I think I can handle the new normal. After having our first kid that took about a year. After having our third it took me about 6 weeks. Anyway, it's been a year since J came to live with us and I can't count how many times I have texted/emailed/etc. a friend, "mayday! The ship is sinking! We feel like we're drowning can you PLEASE take J for the day, a couple hours, anything?!" And it seems like it's gotten more frequent as time passes. Thankfully we have absolutely amazing family and friends who have made this whole placement last as long as it has.

 

What I'm getting at is this: I believe one of the reasons God brought J into my life is to reveal to me more deeply who I really am. I could have told you before that I was a sinner in need of God's grace, but now I KNOW it. Like I really know it. This year I've felt so lost at times. Why isn't he getting better? What could I have done differently? Am I horrible for not wanting to keep him? Help me Jesus! While it's not a place I love to be, I know it is a good thing for me. I can't depend on myself because my self is failing.

 

One verse Ian and I have repeated to each other over and over is Ephesians 6:12, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." I know that there are real forces of evil in the world, but they are forces- not people. J is not my problem. I believe it, really I do! But so often (especially when we've had to leave an event we've been looking forward to because J can't get it together, and I am SO frustrated with him) I find myself with the man in Mark 9:24 saying, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

 

Tonight was an especially hard night with J. I'm posting so late because the whole situation keeps me up some times. I grieve over his life. I wish better for him, but know that I can't provide it. I want this year with my biological kids back so that I can actually be the parent they need. I could go on, but I'll just say that in this moment I'm holding onto the words in the picture above. I know that Christ's grace is sufficient for me. I know that somehow, even though I can't see it or understand right now, Jesus' power is made perfect in my weakness.

 

Please pray for us as our time with J comes to an end. Thanks to the blogosphere for letting me share my heart!