We took J to his new placement last week. It's hard to know where to begin in my thoughts about this so I'll just ramble through things. You've been warned!
People keep asking if we are really sad and they say how difficult this must be for us. Honestly over the past year I had become so accustomed to living under the weight of stress from having to be constantly vigilant over an angry toddler that my predominant feeling after dropping him off was relief. When there are four other young children in the house it is really a daunting task to have to provide constant supervision to one frequently unhappy little man. It was also hard to never feel like I could rest whenever we were out of the house. I could never carry on a conversation well in someone else's home because I had to know where he was and what he was doing at all times. I couldn't trust him.
So when we went over to a friend's for a cookout Saturday night and the older three kids took off to play and I handed Andrew to a friend, I got to sit and chat with another friend for a solid 20 minutes without my mind being elsewhere. When I realized that was happening I wanted to weep. It made me sad because I was rejoicing over being able to do something that I hadn't been able to do in so long, but it came at the expense of a little boy I love.
Basically I feel relieved still, and happy that I know he is with a great family who I really do believe will be able to meet his needs better than us. But I find myself in occasional pockets of sadness; like when I walked into his empty room for the first time and had to turn over his bed so Andrew can sleep there now, or when the kids ask to see him, or when we imitate how he said cookie monster. However, I also have little flashbacks of him that are not so fond; like when we went to the zoo yesterday and rode the train and a memory from a couple months ago came to mind of when he threw himself on the ground convulsing and screaming at the top of his lungs in front of a PACKED train full of people and I had to drag him to the stroller (while I had Andrew in the sling) and hold him down to strap him in as he swung at me... There's not much more humbling than that as a parent that's for sure!
I am so thankful for our time with him and I'm really not sure who changed more in the last 13 months: him or us? We do hope to foster again, but we're going to be taking a few months break at least. This is by far the hardest thing we've ever had to do so we are going to take time to recuperate and heal as a family. Please pray that J will adjust well in his new home! The next court date for his case is next week so you can pray that it will go well for him and lead toward permanency. Thanks friends!
