Help my unbelief

 

I am a pretty self-confident, organized and hard working person. It is easy for me to convince myself that I "have it all together"- whatever that means. I'm not saying this to toot my own horn, but just laying the ground work for what comes next. Each time we have gone through a big transition in life I've gotten to a place where I think I can handle the new normal. After having our first kid that took about a year. After having our third it took me about 6 weeks. Anyway, it's been a year since J came to live with us and I can't count how many times I have texted/emailed/etc. a friend, "mayday! The ship is sinking! We feel like we're drowning can you PLEASE take J for the day, a couple hours, anything?!" And it seems like it's gotten more frequent as time passes. Thankfully we have absolutely amazing family and friends who have made this whole placement last as long as it has.

 

What I'm getting at is this: I believe one of the reasons God brought J into my life is to reveal to me more deeply who I really am. I could have told you before that I was a sinner in need of God's grace, but now I KNOW it. Like I really know it. This year I've felt so lost at times. Why isn't he getting better? What could I have done differently? Am I horrible for not wanting to keep him? Help me Jesus! While it's not a place I love to be, I know it is a good thing for me. I can't depend on myself because my self is failing.

 

One verse Ian and I have repeated to each other over and over is Ephesians 6:12, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." I know that there are real forces of evil in the world, but they are forces- not people. J is not my problem. I believe it, really I do! But so often (especially when we've had to leave an event we've been looking forward to because J can't get it together, and I am SO frustrated with him) I find myself with the man in Mark 9:24 saying, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

 

Tonight was an especially hard night with J. I'm posting so late because the whole situation keeps me up some times. I grieve over his life. I wish better for him, but know that I can't provide it. I want this year with my biological kids back so that I can actually be the parent they need. I could go on, but I'll just say that in this moment I'm holding onto the words in the picture above. I know that Christ's grace is sufficient for me. I know that somehow, even though I can't see it or understand right now, Jesus' power is made perfect in my weakness.

 

Please pray for us as our time with J comes to an end. Thanks to the blogosphere for letting me share my heart!

Reds game

Well check another item off the bucket list! It started the way our other summer bucket list item did: screaming kids, tired parents, running late and us wondering if this is even worth it. Luckily it also ended the same way: with us deciding that YES it was worth it! Hopefully our kids will remember a fun night at the ball park with mom and dad and not the chaos it took to get to that point.

Noah had...oh about 4,382 questions about the game.

Mary was super excited about the game!

For about 3 seconds. Good thing we brought reinforcements.

At one point I asked Mary is she could read any of the signs she saw. Big mistake. She looked around, got excited and pointed to one, " yeah mom! That one says, 'this bud's for you!'" Awesome.

We survived! Sometimes making it somewhere is a huge challenge when you have to find sitters for younger kids, corral older kids, and pack or get things ready for both groups. I do think in the end I may remember the struggle but the kids will remember the fun. 

A-hikin' we will go

Andrew 3 months

Just can't get enough...

 He is still SUCH a great baby. All babies should be this fun, happy and enjoyable for their parents:)

J update

I haven't posted about J for a while because the situation is difficult to think about, but also because we have been crazy busy. As in, I might have 20 minutes a day where I don't have something on my plate, max. We learned at the last court date that he no longer has any family member interested in taking care of him.

 

We really love this kid. And that is why we have decided to ask that they move him to a new home that is willing to adopt him. Currently he is not technically available for adoption, but we feel that is coming soon and we really feel that his needs would be better met in another family. It is without a doubt the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but we feel it's a good one. At first I felt a lot of guilt and sadness. After much prayer we do have a deep seated peace about it but there is still sadness. He is such a great kid; I wish he never had to come into foster care. But that was not in my control and that was not my part of the story. My part of the story was helping a scared, broken, shell of a child start to put the pieces of his life back together and show him what stability and love really mean. He has come such a long way since he's been with us and I feel so great about being able to send him on to a forever family as a blessing and an asset. There will be hard times ahead as we say goodbye to this little guy. Please pray that we would continue to have peace and trust in God's plan for his life!

Summer Bucket List 2015: Outdoor Adventure Expo

I made a bucket list of things I want to do before this summer is over because I'm always saying I want to do certain things but they never happen unless I just put them on the calendar! A few of the things on our list are: Reds game, Zoo, Washington Park, outdoor pool at the Y, hot date night, and the Kid's Expo.

 

This morning we got all the kids ready, packed them into the car, explained to them that this was supposed to be a fun day and we are going to stop complaining about who pushed/touched/said something mean to whoever, and drove over to Coney Island for the Outdoor Adventure Expo for kids. As we were walking in (after parking, nursing Andrew, putting sunscreen on the other 4 and loading a couple kids up in the double stroller) I thought to myself, 'I'm really not sure this was worth it...' But I'm really glad we went because, if nothing else, we got out of the house! 

 

 The kids all agreed that their favorite part was going in the raft.

 Yes that's a dead fish she is holding. We did some serious hand washing after this trip.

Fun times. Lesson for next year: show up when they open so you get a jump on the thousands of daycare kids.

Quotable: foster care edition

Well we can't be accused of sheltering our children...

Mary: mom why can't J's mommy take him back?
Me: because she can't take care of him right now
Noah: but why?
Me: well she puts things in her body that aren't super healthy for her and it makes it really hard for her to take care of J.
Noah: like what?
Me: that is one of those things we will have to talk about when you get a little older. For now you'll just have to trust mommy.
Mary to Noah: Oh I know Noah! She probably eats too much ice cream.